If you are contemplating divorce then it is always a good idea to consider the alternatives. One of the things you should try to do before getting a divorce is sit down, either on your own or with your partner and take some time to think or talk through the options.

The main alternatives are

a) Stay together, this could be to leave things as they are or with a new informal agreement in place
b) Separate, this could be a trial separation or a legal separation
c) Counselling

You may wish to undertake more than one of these options or to try them in turn, but it is important that you put in the effort necessary to succeed, don’t approach any of these alternatives to divorce with a half hearted attitude.

Stay Together

Do Nothing

It is always worth considering the benefits of the status quo, it may seem like divorce is your only option at the moment but take some time to consider if things are really that bad. There may be some benefit in taking a step back and thinking through if the current relationship is really that bad, is your life with your partner unbearable or are there some good times as well? Are your expectations of married life reasonable or do you have expectations that may be hard for your partner to meet? How do you feel about the other options available to you, could they be just as unpalatable?

If thinking through some of these points makes you question your current desire to get a divorce then it is worth thinking about doing nothing for the moment.

Non Divorce

The non divorce option is where you identify what has gone wrong with your relationship and see if there are adjustments you can both make in order to make it more bearable or even enjoyable once more. The first step is to talk with your partner and agree that things are not how you would wish them to be. You can then move forward and try to agree some simple changes that could be made within your relationship that could enable you both be happier but remain together. This discussion is best held in an informal manner but with an agreement that one or both of you will document these changes. That way you both have a record of the changes you are going to make in order to avoid future disagreements about the outcome of this session.

Trial Separation

A trial separation can be of assistance if you feel you need some space and time away from your partner so that you can make a more objective decision about your future. It is a chance to see if your views change when you are apart from our partner. You should agree a working arrangement on how the separation will operate with your partner up front. This can be difficult as the financial and childcare implications of a separation can be complex.

Legal Separation

A legal separation (1) is a formal way in which to live apart without ending your marriage or civil partnership. You require the same reasons as for a divorce such as unreasonable behaviour or adultery. You do not need to prove that the marriage breakdown is irretrievable. You need to complete a petition for separation and send it to the court, you will also have to pay court fees. This may be your only legal option if you have religious reasons against divorce or if you have been married less than a year.

In Scotland couples can choose to obtain a separation agreement (2) which can be drawn up with or without the assistance of a lawyer and is agreed by a court. Couples can go to court in order to amend this agreement if required. A less used option is a Judicial separation normally utilised by a couple who have a moral or religious objection to obtaining a divorce.

Counselling

This could be considered alongside some of the other options. If you are struggling to reach any form of agreement with your partner then using a skilled couple relationship counsellor could make a difference. In order for this approach to really work then you both need to be prepared to make some changes in your relationship and also be willing to accept some of the responsibility for the problems you have encountered.

References

(1) How to Get a Legal Separation in England and Wales
https://www.gov.uk/legal-separation
(2) Separating with a separation agreement or Judicial Separation in Scotland
https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/scotland/relationships/relationship-problems-s/getting-divorced-s/#h-separating-with-a-separation-agreement